To avoid speaking for everyone else, this intro will get personal: I hate American football. Yes, I am that pretentious where I specify that the kind of football being played during the Super Bowl is indeed not really football in the traditional, ahem, European sense.
It’s not that I’m a girl, and I know the simplest solution to get through a Super Bowl party is simply not to go. However, sometimes there are instances in life where you have to “go out” and “support,” whether that be your boyfriend, your friends, or just to have an excuse to eat chips and dip.
So, for those of you like me, here are 5 Ways To Get Through A Super Bowl Party.
5. Be the designated snack/drink maker/cleaner.
Seriously. If you can’t get through a Super Bowl party by watching the game, give yourself tasks to do like making homemade spinach and artichoke dip, mixing up handcrafted cocktails, baking football-shaped brownies, etc.
Turn the Super Bowl party into a dinner party of sorts, except your guests are more centered on the game than on you. If it’s not your party, ask the host or hostess if you can have a “duty,” like cleaning up after people.
It sounds ridiculous to go to a party and then act like a kitchen/house elf, but sometimes you gotta go what you gotta do if you hate football.
4. Make new friends. Even if you don’t want to.
If you are going to a Super Bowl party that is relatively big, there are certain to be a few other people there that hate football as much as you, painfully wandering around or hovering over the snack table.
Target those people as your “new best friends” for the afternoon and make a “game” out of getting to know them. Turn on your best interviewer and ask them questions about themselves. Play games like “Who Would You Rather?” Play MASH. Gab. Gossip. Add each other on Facebook.
And, maybe, just maybe, you’ll have made a new friend for life.
3. Find someone patient who will explain everything to you during the game.
Maybe you just hate football because you don’t understand. Like, why do they stop so much? What’s the point of the formations? Why do the players have to be so weirdly muscular?
If you can find someone, someone patient, who can explain the game to while it’s happening, you might be able to get through a Super Bowl party. Just develop a system where you aren’t disturbing the other watchers. Whispering, texting, writing down questions and answers on a note pad. Anything will work and you might have a better appreciation of the game afterwards.
Or not. In that case, try another one of our ideas, binge eat, or attempt to hit on someone. That always cheers us up.
2. Live blog (or tweet) your misadventures in football.
There are tons of sports haters in the world and a lot of them are nerds who use the internet and love to complain about how boorish football is. If you’re especially funny (or especially bored) and want to make your journey into the world of sports something hilarious and creative, live blog or tweet the game.
Voice your confusion about what “offsides” means. Comment on the touchy-feely nature of the football players. Engage in some sort of spiritual quandary about the violent nature of football.
Mostly, ask the age old question, “Why do they call it football if they don’t use their foot?” Smart observation. Very smart.
Even if it’s annoying to your friends, hey, it’s fun. And, guess what? Their love of football is annoying.
1. Turn everything, we mean everything, into a drinking game.
Obviously, don’t get too drunk and drink responsibly, but whenever anyone does anything of merit, take a sip of your drink.
Whenever someone kicks a field goal, take a sip. Whenever there is a touchdown, take a sip. Any loud bouts of screaming from the actual football lovers, take a sip. If a player does one of their silly little dances, take a sip. For every awful commercial, take a sip.
Every time you start thinking about online shopping on your smart phone or breaking up with your boyfriend, take a sip.
Trust us, you’ll feel a lot better about the afternoon.
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